Today. Wednesday. 4th January. 2023. Living with chronic, at this stage utterly perverse OCD. So, today I cooked dinner. I gave Mom money for my part of the shopping. I… went downtown a few times. I listened to music on my phone. I… surprise, surprise wrote a few too many long pieces of scribbles. They’re as good and as emotional and as rhythmically solid and progressive as ever before, I think anyhow. I… walked Joey. I… thought about meditating. Then I thought about how meditation doesn’t even appear to help with my OCD. Yeah, it is chronic, the OCD. Yeah, I understand it a hundred-percent in terms of what it is and what it is doing to my brain and at any given moment. Has been doing for… ever, really. I… bumped into a few people, or at least I think I did, but honestly that could’ve been any of the last few days. The days can seriously be all over the place inside of my head with the OCD, too. Something I might have done a few hours ago I might actually totally forget that I did it at all. I’ve done simple tasks three times in a row, not realising I’d just done it. Each time thinking it was the first time. That’s… heavy-minded stuff causing that to happen right there. I have to collect Ruadh’s Christmas present next Saturday at the market when I meet Anna Roycroft. Looking forward to seeing how that turns out, and seeing those guys. They’re a lovely family and good people too 😃 Besides that? Well, I collected my disability welfare today, I will do a couple of runs during the week. Ah… just there I totally forgot again that it was actually already Thursday. Poor Matthias. To him I’m just a good mate missing soccer of an odd Monday and Friday – which I absolutely adore – because of a mental disorder, whereas for me, by the time soccer comes around of a Monday or a Friday, I’ll have been though so much in my head that I won’t even know if I’ll suddenly be in the mood to play. A mood. That’s another thing. With OCD, depending on the severity, I guess, a person’s mood won’t get a look in. It’s… survival-mode in the truest sense of that particular word. But I don’t think anyone, least of all even the sufferer of this mental disorder, gets to understand just how much they are missing and just how much of it is owing to utter illogical thinking. For me, that’s where the scribbles came into play. To keep my mind active and in the right areas. That’s hard. It’s hard and it’s, as I say, perverse, just how… It doesn’t matter. I’ve covered enough now. Enough to even show a doctor and they’d just tell me like exactly before: “it’s the OCD making you think that way, Brian.” Don’t get my wrong, I am so very thankful to have a doctor who can look out for me going forward. That’s Mairead O’Leary, and I know she has loads of other patients, and I respect that massively. Of course I do. Christ, that many people with issues must make you an extremely aware person at the least. So, yeah, nearing 9 0’clock in the evening so I’ll take my nightly sleeping tablet and… my brain as per right now and usual will be trying to search for danger. And as it won’t find any danger, as it’s the imbalance that has it off-centre in the first place and believing there is actual danger in play, I’ll most probably end up totally frazzled in my brain and mind in trying to figure out the danger/problem so that I can eventually alleviate the worry. Eventually 😆 Boom! OCD cycle in a nutshell.