This is the trigger for my OCD. The thing that has destroyed my mind and for the most part of my life. The imbalance in my brain has latched onto believing that if I do not figure it out once and for all, I WILL end up homeless, etc. That’s it. That is the prime obsession and compulsion which, in turn, leads to the disorder named OCD for me. That’s it. The trigger, has always been, and what that does, aside from absolutely wreaking havoc on my normal-thinking mind and process and all of the time, is it gets so absurdly intricate and mentally paralysing in its analysing process of said triggered obsession/s. For example, in my particular case, if I am for instance doing anything with money, which you have to do to get by, of course, my exhausted mind will automatically try and go SO OUTLANDISHLY ahead of itself in making CERTAIN that NOTHING can go wrong. NOTHING!!!! N-o-t-h-i-n-g. So, one tiny yet undeniably agonising example of this would be if I was perhaps on a night-out I will automatically end up going through how much I might end up spending. And if someone buys a round, I will start suddenly dipping into maybe even their account, then wondering how they pay for certain things. How they pay mortgage, how it doesn’t all fall apart for them ASAP. Basically, the OCD imbalance utterly toys with a physical thing like money which we CANNOT even really know what we might spend tomorrow, can’t know about unknown payments, etc. Unevenness plays a part. Too. If I buy a round and one person forgets their round where does that put me financially? This cannot be right?! How are they not worried about these things. Because they don’t have OCD, I’d have to assume. Plus, they are ACTUALLY enjoying a night-out. For me, however, that whole thing turns into an absolute debacle of the mind. And it goes on and on for.. in my case, 28 years of my life. It’s the imbalance. That’s the thing I need to let be there. The bloody themes are a fucking joke and a waste of utter time. Even though they feel utterly real. Sit with the imbalance and learn to let the theme/s be there. How? I haven’t managed that part yet. And if people will think, “ah, okay it’s alright to worry about money.” that’s not what it is. It’s about.. something being wrong and if I don’t fix it I will… it’s just the utter belief that my hot-wired thoughts are the actual living, seething reality.