Why am I literally the only person who cannot truly know and understand that it is in-fact OCD that is doing this to me so that I can truly kick-on from it on a mental note? Why does it keep on dragging me back in and at the drop of a hat? It’s all the time and even when it’s not all the time, it’s… still engrained: this mental certainty that catastrophe is happening and to stop it from happening… immediately OR ELSE!! It’s the hardest, most difficult, and resilient mental-illness out there, surely. It’s standing in the way of so, so much for me. Not just experiences, etc. but actual emotions. How can it still just all boil down to a chemical imbalance of the brain all of the time, after all of these decades of carrying it with me? Of trying to fend for myself on a mental level. Of trying so outlandishly hard to live well as I can with it. And why can I not, as I say, kick-on? I swear to God, I have tried in spite of it a million times over, have tried to get my brain and mind to a place of… balance. I’ve tried all of this while my world falls apart, in so far as my thoughts getting caught-up in petrifying distortions and all inside of my brain counts. I’ve tried to explain it to people, even though they will never really get the true ins and outs. And why should they? I mean, I certainly end-up not getting it either. But the level of resilience with this thing it takes? Words cannot describe it. No way! I have to stand-up for myself and say that that is pretty much all I truly have to really, really be outlandishly proud of in terms of something… even achieved on a mind’s miraculous level, if I’m being perfectly honest here. And I never really mean to end-up sounding too negative about it all, just… explanatory is what I aim for. I have to try and be as positive as humanly possible with this illogical thing happening to me. But I want people to know that I try in ways no-one can ever begin to imagine, and often from minute-to-minute. I want them to know that an OCD sufferer isn’t any of the things their imbalanced brain is doing to their mind. Not at all. We don’t choose it, but we try and choose to sit with all that it does entail. I want people to know that I am a mere bystander in my own life a helluva lot of the time but that, also, I am not giving in to it. EVER! That I am trying to grab as many… comfortable moments as I can with this thing. I try and make the most of it. One hundred percent and ALWAYS. The somewhat engrained imbalance has, over a long scope of time, made my mind do things to itself so as to finally cease the OCD from being so hazardous that how it gets caught-up in distorted illogic is so very mind-pummelling and sadly wasteful of a good, good mind in the first place, it’s… yeah, it’s impossible to expand on what happens on a mental level to my brain. I mean, I can indeed expand on it aplenty apparently, but letting people know of all of the above and how it feels doesn’t make it… stop, or disappear for myself. It just inevitably leaves me with this stinging frustration of the mind. So you only ever continue on with it, like I’ve done for most of my life. I need even myself to know that mine IS a good brain, a good and pragmatic mind beneath it all. A brain and mind that has never, ever had any interest in bringing all of this baggage with it. But what an OCD sufferer needs to do to not suffocate inside of their own mind with this thing is to pretty much try and never engage with it. Or to at least learn how to apply that mindset to it. As I said before, to NOT IN FACT ENGAGE with a complex imbalance of brain so very all-consuming like OCD truly does take… everything. Everything to stop, in a manner, absolutely nothing from happening, as it is only ever happening inside of your brain in the first place. Often the descriptions won’t make sense to other people but, trust me, my mind will have gone over that too. It’s gone over everything and anything. I think the level of absolute rumination for me is close to all day. But I try, I try and help something that shouldn’t normally be there, to help it feel relaxed. I do live in fear of being unable to explain it, whenever someone wonders why I don’t work, for example. I have covered everything on that subject too. Maybe even a billion times. Or rather perhaps I do get to very much so kick-on in covering the things that a non-imbalanced brain might think about and relatively fret over, too, only for the fact that, added to my improvement over these past tens years, I do obviously still have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And a chronic version of it at that. No. Two. Ways. Always will. And what that means is that distorted logic is still lurking about and pretty much running the gamut in still mixing my mind up. Even on, let’s say, a ‘very good’ day.
“All of the Points for Survival Pushed in This Particular Direction, Please”
If there were actually POINTS GAINED for living a life wherein your mind is in total and agonisingly distorted disarray for the most part then all of those points would surely be going to sufferers of OCD. On ANY LEVEL. Because, with OCD, NO LEVEL is a good level whatsoever at all. And the reason why we seem to believe that there is in-fact a reason to carry on inside of our basically utterly discombobulated minds? Because maybe even we can understand deep-down that what we have had to contend with, will have to most definitely continue to contend with, even when it disfigures our mind entirely, is utterly fucking miraculous in terms of mental perseverance ♀️
