It’s difficult. Of course it is. And, to be honest, it really cannot remain even this level of difficult. As though, one rumination deep, and I’m ‘stuck’ again. It’s frightful, we all know that part the most. However, what boggles me now is, how on Earth am I supposed to adapt to my improving my level of OCD, which I am wholly attempting to silence, that being the absolute main thing, the MAIN aim here, of course, whilst also… trying to learn what it is actually normal to be anxious about? That’s scary, too. But I have OCD, cripplingly so, and have had for a very, very long time, and it scares me so very much just how hard it has been to handle my chronic case. I’m diagnosed. I’m prescribed a very high-dose of medication by my doctor. I do everything by the book. I really do all that I can. And, still, it feels much too like all of my thoughts, and I mean ALL OF THEM, are puppeteered by OCD. It’s all fallen into that mental and sickeningly cYcLicAl state of anguish in my brain. I need to adapt, and to adapt, what I will need to do is the same as I’ve always thought what to do with the OCD – just let the imbalance search for problems. I cannot, though, watch it all of the rest of my life doing just that thing. The crippling mental pain of it all. The fallout of mind that only I can feel it happening. The REAL belief that what I am thinking WILL automatically occur, if I do not find a solution. This has been the same for… 28-years of my life now. The same wish to cease the OCD. What I have done with it in my way is, quite honestly… I can’t believe it. Truly, I cannot understand how I managed to hang in there all of that time. But hanging in there doesn’t mean that the pain didn’t hang in there too. Mine all relatively invisible to the naked-eye because, well, it’s happening in my head and all of the time, really. In my brain, in my thoughts. How might a person pull the scribbles out of all of this, is another wondering, I’m sure. Well… by never giving-in even when my brain is actually giving-in to the rumination’s nearly all of the time, just at different levels of anguish depending on the length and weight of the aforementioned rumination/s. I cannot figure it out anymore. No sufferer can. It’s disgusting and wrong and what we have to deal with(OCD-sufferers) is, perhaps, one of the most inexplicably unruly and mind-breaking mental-illnesses out there. However, I am not here to compare. Each individual to their own mind, please, and thank you. And good luck 😊 Although, I have another question. How on earth can you be simultaneously petrified and humorous and happy and loving at the exact same time, one might wonder? HELL!! I wonder. Well… I guess, by knowing deep, deep down that it’s a mental imbalance, and by knowing that it’s all been a terrible waste of energy and time in my life. That’s it. Another post with another day of OCD. I want to deal with this thing because, I know it worries my family too, my friends. My girlfriend, maybe even. Heck, I dunno what people are thinking and neither is it any of my business. All I want to do, is analyse what certain people and artists do, why they might NEED to do it, and to scribble about it to my heart’s content. I need to be much better going forward with this thing, though. That’s the bottom line 😊 Soccer tonight. Gonna try and score a cracker of a Leftie For Ross(and Bax!!) Cos, truth told, they got my heart 💓 But, most probably, a lot of the game will be me trying to celebrate a goal, for example, whilst also simultaneously asking my brain to leave me alone, please. I’ll also try and think of real stuff, such as my dear friend Alison. RIP SUPERSTAR xxxxxxx